i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
someone owes me an orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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