she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
