My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
