I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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