my vag is so smooth its legendary
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ketchup is God's man juice
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
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