About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
