Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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