She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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