youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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