The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
God, I missed his penis.
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