I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
