If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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