there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
