there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
