I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
