It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
