the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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