I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
