I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
