I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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