You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
