Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
