if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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