We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
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considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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