based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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