U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's official drugs can't kill me
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
