Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
