the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
