You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
