so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
