had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
