i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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