god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Never joke about your clitoris.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
