I molested 6 butterflies tonight
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
