this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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