And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
