Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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