I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
