If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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