Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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