whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
