my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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