I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
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My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
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I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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