He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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