I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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