Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
