i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
