I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
