every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
