He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
