Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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