how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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