Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
