apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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