Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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