In the future we'll all be gay
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
