I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize