my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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