please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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