Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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