he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
