I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
