Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
