Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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