Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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